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All At Once

I’ve been a swirl of emotion, I think we all have been. I’ve been sifting through a lot of muck, trying to find the parts that are worth sharing, the parts that are worth knowing, the parts that feel like truth. Because truth has a feeling to it, doesn’t it? It’s what I keep coming back to, as I learn to be better at making space for A LOT of feelings, many that conflict.

I definitely spent a good portion of my life feeling as though everything had to be one way. In order to be valid and worthy, I had to be all in on one direction. It never felt authentic. I’m a total grey space resider, I am hardly ever just THIS or just THAT. Are you? I know many black-and-white thinkers and I feel shocked sometimes when they can be so clear on their views.

If you ask me my favourite food, movie, book, song, colour I will likely hem and haw and give a few options. And in some cases I will give no options, the idea of having a favourite feels too finite to me. My likes and dislikes change as I change, I see it as part of our evolution. I spent my childhood and early adulthood hating blue cheese. Then there was a switch and I no longer hated it. I recall the exact moment that happened, a Stilton pate was offered and I was ravenously hungry. In trying it I realized I actually didn’t hate this cheese at all, my palate had developed further. (Plus it was blended with brandy and butter, soooo…) If we allow for grey space then we never have to feel categorized by our whims, we accept them as ever changing.

Kids: feeling it all

Right now I’ve felt pulled by so many different emotions; I’m totally safe where I am and yet so disappointed I can’t go where I want. I’m outraged by my circumstance and yet totally grateful for being home with my healthy kids, for how good I’ve got it. I’m confused by what I’m hearing is happening, and yet trusting that it’s all going to be ok in the end. I’m angry and I’m sad, I’m happy and I’m calm, I’m full of ideas and I’m exhausted. Like so tired, aren’t you tired?! Being a vessel for all these feels really spends my energy!

I’m learning to accept all of this and I’m also working on staying the course on what feels true for me, and letting the rest fall away. Because at some point more research and reading, more prodding and exploring isn’t actually going to further my truth.

The conversation of something sinister being afoot seems to be coming up frequently right now. It makes sense to me that with rapidly changing rules and regulations, we question what is truly happening. It’s in our human need to understand, to make sense of what’s occurring. I’ve been taking several journeys down different rabbit holes, testing out theories, finding what resonates, and what is in complete contrast to who I am. It further shapes us, we find our borders when we search for answers. I often share what I find as I think it can help further shape others, not with any expectation or agenda, just an offering.

But the good vs evil is the part that I’ve been most unsettled by. Perhaps it’s that I grew up without context of this, a mainly secular upbringing, no real attachment to religion. Defining the world in categories of good or bad just never really landed for me. So in the different aspects of looking at what our world is experiencing right now with this shut down and virus I get tripped up when I come across the parts that seem to want to slip into darkness.

I don’t disagree that there are dark parts of humanity, to our world, to our way of life. And I don’t pretend that they aren’t there. But also I believe if we become proponents of what we do want instead of opponents of what we don’t want, we create bigger waves of change.

So this is where I’ve landed after taking a weekend of quiet, silencing out the noise, is that it’s time to focus my mind and my heart in the same direction. After all, my whole foundation in the coaching work I do is just that, aligning ourselves mind, body and soul so that we can truthfully pursue the life we’ve dreamed of. The exhaustion comes when I am at war with myself, my heart steadfast on the truth of life and my mind unravelling at the thought of evil.

It doesn’t mean I don’t inquire or consider different lines of thought, it means I stay true to what I know most. Which is love. For if we all were busily concerning ourselves only with bringing more love to the world, well then all that is not that would cease.

Channelling my inner-Edie, going with the flow.

Right now I am as uncertain about the future as anyone else, I recognize how totally knocked off course I get when I can’t control my timeline. But there is no timeline! And it can feel safer to think short term when we have no pulse on what’s to come. Yet we can also be forward thinking and courageously get into the zone we need to be in when life resumes.

It will resume. I know that. And I want to be ready to show up as I best can, with a clear mind for the work I want to bring to the world, with a full heart ready to help those who need it pick up the pieces and find their own way forward.

I think of health, as the foundation for my work, as the primary concern we all have and yet see how no honest information is being shared by those in charge. In my plant medicine business, we are seeing some huge growth as people feel called to take ownership and find the holistic healthcare they seek. It’s promising! I’m also seeing active natural health practitioners who are ripping off the muzzle that’s been clamped on by their colleges to freely speak. It’s more important now than ever and yet it’s been made so much harder. The repercussions are huge, these brave souls are willingly tossing their licence to practice in the trash to continue an honest conversation. I’m so awed by them and I’m so thankful to them, for staying in a place of integrity even if it costs them their business. But how else can we inspire change if we don’t make the proclamations we know are right?

All at once I am fearful of how my life is being altered, what this says about humanity and how it will impact the world for my children…and I am also heartened by seeing more of my people speak clearly and effectively. I am learning that living in the grey space is awkward but it’s authentic to me. I’m ok publicly sharing that I’m seeking my own truth and sharing that journey. We all are seeing everything in life from our own unique vantage point, from our own perception. What I read, write and share may not reach you in the way I intend it, for that reason alone. And knowing that fully, I will continue to put out the message anyway, always infused with love.

Today I’m hopeful, how are you?

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