I have a book for each of my girls and I write to them on big holidays and their birthdays, I’ve been doing it since they were each in utero. This past week we celebrated Gracie’s 8th birthday in all sorts of fun and different ways, making sure to highlight how loved by many she is even when life feels strange and different. When I wrote in her book I touched on the times we’re facing and paused, thinking of who she’ll be when she eventually reads it. Of what type of life she’ll be living, of what the world will be like. My breath caught in my throat, imagining if things continue on the path they’re currently on. If there is a before that we speak of and how we’ll recall this phase in history. That same day I found this quote and it flooded me with peace, maybe you’ll find that too.
My cupboard is overflowing with disposable grocery bags (what are people doing with those??), I have a baby who basically refuses to sleep right now, I am never alone — not in bed, not in the bathroom, I am still moving house…to an undetermined location, my kids are reminding me often how much they miss school and their friends and Kingston has mandated the wearing of masks. Wait, before you click away, I promise this isn’t about that part. The thing is that I’ve been feeling so heavy lately, and when I came to writing for my blog this week everything was so bleh. It feels weird, I’m naturally a positive person, can see both sides of any situation, can always find the lightness but lately I’ve been hit with so many negative experiences I am feeling unbalanced. I believe that we perpetuate that which we give our attention to and so I’m trying to stay cognizant of that as I also stay informed to the current state of the world. Anyone doing this successfully? I’m recognizing that I’m prone to an outburst of sorts as I share my outrage and then a retreat as I go back into my cozy and soft cocoon. I’m rolling with it and giving myself a lot of grace right now, I’ve never lived through a time like now and it’s testing me on every level. With that in mind, and because I’m so tired (why does teething take so long??) I’m making this sweet. In a departure from what I’ve been sharing on social media of late, I want to look at all that is good in my life. Because the goodness is what I’m expanding into, and leaving the darkness in my wake.
My older girls — they are a sea of emotions, swirling and raging at times and then tranquil at others. I wouldn’t want it any other way. They are needing to express their worry, fear, uncertainty and frustration more than usual but we’re doing our best to offer that space to them. They do so well with routine and yet even though currently we don’t always know what each day will hold, they are offering us the grace to navigate it. They are so resilient and remind me daily that I am too. Even though our family time is INTENSE at times right now I know that I will never regret this time we spent day after day upon one another. Gracie and Lily delight us with the care they take of one another, the way they unwaveringly create one more way to play together after so many months without a break, and how they deeply enjoy each small wonder of each new day.
My baby girl — I’m so intrigued to know what this little one will be like as her personality emerges. Edie is full of fire, she is so loud and makes sure she is heard, she is curious and adventurous and she is a mover. Never keen to just lay back, she wants to be exploring the world around her. We are constantly on the move with her, both day and night. It’s yet to be seen what this little being has to teach us but for now it’s to smile easily, to seek continually and to always stay fearlessly moving forward.
Our food — creating everyday is one thing I simply must do. I can’t wait to see all that I will create through writing, art, and eventually homesteading (I think!) but for now creation is in the mundane. The way we feed ourselves can be routine and banal or exciting and delightful. No matter if you’re cooking for one or for 10 I think we can choose to make the experience something we relish. Cooking is how I lose and find myself, it’s therapeutic for me. It’s frustrating often, sure, I feel like I’m cooking 15 times a day right now, but it’s also nourishing on every level for me. With grocery shopping an extra challenge these days I often put myself to the test to make something from seemingly nothing. And it works.
My home — I have a love/hate relationship with the word ‘home’ and it’s something I’m working on redefining. I am a major homebody who loves to travel and I haven’t reconciled that. I love the security of feeling safe in my nest and yet I deeply crave the exploration that comes from being somewhere new. I’ve felt adrift for so long, wanting to plant deep roots somewhere, a place my kids bring their kids to have sleepovers in their old bedrooms. In the time of upheaval, where a move is imminent, I’m taking solace in the time I do have here, right where I am.
This guy — we’re ships in the night right now. Nearly never alone together, hardly getting a conversation started let alone finished (which is kind of an issue whilst we determine what’s on the horizon) we are riding out this stormy patch of life. A quiet look exchanged, a quick touch, a word edged in between the constant chatter of our kids. We’re in it, the very thick of it, and we’re holding fast to each other if only in our thoughts for now.
This fudgsicle — at the time of writing this I am finding a rare moment alone and devouring a fudgsicle, dammit it’s good.
May you find sweetness in your day, may you choose a moment to have alone, may you feel the sunlight and put your feet on the earth. May you know that you are love and are loved, that you are here for a powerful reason be it to change the world or change your mind. Find something that is good today and give thanks, and do it all again tomorrow. That’s what makes a life that is good after all, and mercy is in the moments.